


Who Turned Dee Gay?

by smallest_love



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Homophobia, McBonnie, Misogyny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 20:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9458708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallest_love/pseuds/smallest_love
Summary: Fed up with being overlooked, Dee drops another bombshell. No, she's not pregnant again. It's up to the gang to put their heads together yet again and solve the mystery: Who Turned Dee Gay?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first time posting on here, so if my writing is a little weird or stilted sounding, that's why. This is the first chapter out of what will likely be 4 or 5 chapters. Dee x Waitress is the main pairing, but it probably won't show up until a few chapters in.

3:00

A Tuesday Afternoon

Philadelphia, PA

 

"Dude! Tell me you did not just say that about my mom!"

"Oh my god, Mac. Are you seriously gonna get all Mama's boy on me? It's obvious. Why should you give a shit anyway? " 

"Charlie, are you hearing this shit? Dennis just implied our moms-. He just said OUR moms- I can't even, I can't even say it."

"Dude, my mom's been nagging me all week. I'm about to lose my goddamn mind, Mac! If you say one more word about your mom or my mom or ANYBODY's mom I swear to God-I swear to God, Mac!"

"Fine, Charlie! Just let him stand there and DISPARAGE our mothers! I, for one, will stand up for my mom, like a good son." 

"For fuck's sake, Mac. I couldn't care less about your mom. I'm just pointing out the fact that two old women who've lived together for this long without killing each other must be banging. There's no other way. "

Mac huffed. "My mother is a perfectly attractive woman, Dennis! You take that back!"

Dennis' face then morphed into the expression of complete exasperation it always takes on when he's forced to humor Mac's delusions. 

"Your mother is an old person, Mac. However hot she was in her prime is irrelevant now. Old ladies turn gay all the time. To avoid getting all lonely and shit after their husbands croak. It's a well-documented phenomenon with women her age. "

"My dad's not dead, Dennis!", Mac says indignantly.

Charlie looked up from the Charlie work busying him at the moment. "He has a point, Mac. It's not like your dad's giving her any attention up in cannibal murder prison. It's not like they were ever together much when we were kids either"

"Are you kidding me, Charlie? You too now? I guess I'm the only person working at this bar who isn't OBSESSED with gay sex!"

At this latest outburst, Charlie and Dennis couldn't help but giggle. 

At this point, Mac's blood was boiling. "What are you laughing at?!", he yelled. 

Charlie tried to collect himself, but his face only reddened. Dennis tried to get out some clever reply, never but he couldn't hold back a smile for long enough to get a word out. 

"Homosexuality is a sin. This is serious shit for the big man upstairs! Don't bring my mom into your disgusting fantasies, Dennis! We happen to be good Catholics in our family." 

Dennis' small fit of laughter subsided. 

Dennis started, "Are you kidding me dude? With all the shady shit she got up to when your convict dad was taking the heat? I'm surprised she didn't turn sooner. A rugged, masculine broad like that- "

"Yeah", Charlie interjected, "Hey Mac, wasn't your mom a bartender for a bit?"

"Now Charlie, we don't need to grasp at straws. It's obvious Mrs. Mac was a lesbo from the start, but the bartending had nothing to do with it. There are plenty of straight women bartenders. No, Mac's mom is a classic case. Switched to chicks after succumbing to a life of crime. It's quite sad, actually."

The door to the office creaked open. Frank's voice came next. 

"I'm telling you, Deandra. I don't want to hear one more word about this health insurance crap! I don't care if you get yourself knocked up again ten times over. I'm not paying for another baby, no goddamn way."

"Carmen paid for the first one one, Frank!" Dee yelled. "You just sat on your ass and complained the whole time!" 

Frank waved her off dismissively.

Dee crossed her arms. "Oh, is this inconvenient for you? Am I giving you a hard time? Lets see how the rest of the gang likes it when you tell them you're taking their coverage away!"

"Frank! Dee!" Mac called, desperate for someone to take his side, "Settle this for us."

Frank looked at Dee, communicating silently that he'd already won this battle. The rest of the gang wouldn't be discussing health insurance any time soon. 

"What are you losers fighting about this time?" Dee asked, amused.

"Mac's just in denial about his mom being a lesbo and he's taking it out on us." Dennis answered. 

Frank grunted. 

"Oh?" Dee asked, opening a beer for herself. "Is it official yet?"

"Is what official?" Frank asked, only half interested.

"Mrs. Mac and Bonnie, they're banging." Dennis said. 

"No shit." Frank said, a bit surprised "I thought I had Bonnie all figured out. I swear to shit she was in love with me. Makes sense though." 

"How the hell does that make any goddamn sense, Frank?", Mac asked

"They're old, they're lonely, what do you expect." Frank answered. "How do you think broads end up that way, Mac? 

"God, I can't believe I'm the only one who thinks this sounds insane." Mac said, "None of you have any proof. I mean, Dee, you've been single for ages now. You're not suddenly gonna tell us you've been gay this whole time."

Dee crossed her arms again and smirked. This was going to be fun. She looked Mac in the eye, staying silent for a bit, truly savoring these last few moments of ignorance. 

"Well, Dee? Are you?" Mac asked, getting a little impatient to be proven right. 

Dee tilted her head, still looking straight at Mac. Mac began to hesitate. 

"Dee, come on, I'm trying to prove a point here." Mac said. 

Silence.

"Help me out here."

Silence. 

"Ohhhhh..." Frank let out, nodding to himself.

"You..." Charlie said, slowly lifting a finger to point at Dee. 

Dee nodded. 

Dennis, beginning to sense what was going on, became agitated. He took in a sharp breath. "No..no. that can't be right. I would've noticed. I would have caught on, Dee! I mean, this is absurd. You really thought you could -" Dennis began to laugh, utterly convinced he'd figured out whatever stupid prank she was planning to fool him with. 

Mac is reassured, laughing along with him.

Silence. Dee lets the laughter run its course. 

Dennis looks back at Dee, still staring straight at them. 

A truly priceless expression begins to manifest on Dennis' face. Dee would never stay silent this long if Dennis had been proven right. 

Mac throws his hands up in an impotent fit of rage. "Goddamn it! Goddamn it Dee!" He starts pacing. 

Dennis' disbelief turns to anger. "THIS WHOLE TIME, DEE? THIS WHOLE TIME?" 

In this moment, Dee's sickly-sweet smile would put a door-to-door evangelist's to shame. She tilts her head again. 

" 'Fraid so." she says, basking in her family's discomfort. "Oh! Would you look at the time? I gotta get going. Later, boners."

Dee takes one last look, making sure to commit all of their faces to memory. This would be a day to remember. 

"And hey" she says, walking backwards towards the front door, "I hope it's cool that I just dropped this important life news of mine on you guys, but I figured that I may as well tell you. It's not like you give a shit about my life or my relationships or anything that happens to me at all. What's the harm, right?" 

Dee waltzes outside. This is gonna keep them busy for weeks.


End file.
